I dreamed of being in the vortex. I was in space, accentuated by green lights, geometric in design. There was only darkness and the green dots of light surrounding me. Kopali’s voice, like an angle, carrying me, holding me, helping maintain my stability in this foreign place. I struggled to keep my balance, using my breath to keep me in the moment. Talking to myself, coaching my self trying to maintain the experience of floating in the existential bliss. It might have lasted for ever and for only a few minutes. Was I reliving the reality of the Risen? Was this my vision of the inner soul? Was I viewing the core of my life?
At this point I new nothing. I felt innocent and small. The strong sense of shame and the humbling experience of seeing my arrogance was overwhelming. This was the next wave. No longer was I in the beautiful space of limitless darkness. Now I was in my mind, my thoughts, my shame. This was the point that I needed help. I rocked, I breathed, I purged, I called out for support. Danesh & Kopali were there; playing their rolls to support me. They offered words of encouragement to help me stay balanced and grounded. The simple act of remembering to breath needed to be brought to my attention. Kopali’s words, “You can only go through this.” were helpful. As were her words of, “Find your inner self, calling, way.” This took me to chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. First from deep within. I couldn’t speak. I could only hear the Daimoku far off in my psyche somewhere. It took so much effort to actually talk. My body was not capable of normal functioning. My strength was gone. I was not in my body.
My aware wavered between being in the room w/ 7 other humans all having their own experiences, to me being lost in my struggle of survival. I begged for Danesh to hold my hand. I clasped onto him like a mountain as I moved through my journey. He reminded me to pay attention to my breath. “Notice how long your breaths are.”, he would say. This jogged my memory and knowledge of the importance of breathwork. And I couldn’t do it. This experience gives me so much compassion and understanding for those that I work with that can not focus on their breath or remember to do it when they are lost in anxiety or additive behavior. Technically, if you can breath slow and deep you can move through anything. But this night, I did not have the wherewithal to use the technique I try to teach others as an answer to their struggles.
Next I remember Danesh asking me how old I was. I couldn’t talk. I wanted to cry. I assessed myself and felt like an infant. I was about 3 mos old. Alone and upset. He new to guide me into staying in observation mode so that I wouldn’t get lost in the puddle of emotions of that new born. I have no idea what was happening at that time in my life. But there was some healing that was done. I can’t explain what happened really. But just being in it, observing that state and then telling myself that I was ok and loved was enough. What a gift to go back in time and see my part needing healing and be able to have that in the moment. I am so grateful to the medicine of the mother, Yage’, the teacher of Kopali and her desire to heal and help others. Because of her passion for this journey I am here. I am lighter today than yesterday. I desire to tread lighter on this earth and to be in connection with my loved ones of all of my relationships that I have.
I am grateful to be alive, and see my intentions as walking strongly in this life.